The Joy of Christmas

Now of course the true meaning of Christmas (Jesus aside) is about the giving. That sparkly special festive feeling when a loved one opens a present and actually likes it is simply lovely... However and this is a big HOWEVER, it’s never quite that simple is it? If you are anything like I am (which I hope for your sake you aren’t) every present is left to the last minute. 

Me and Grandad get VERY excited at Christmas

There is that eternal present dilemma, how much should I spend? Does ‘Secret Santa’ mean comic presents? Do I opt for the fart machine or that same awful bubble bath set 3 for 2 at Boots? It doesn’t help that I have absolutely awful taste; I can remember vividly giving my step-sister a pink sequinned clutch bag one year. I was so smug with myself - it couldn’t be better, she loves pink, she loves going out, what could possibly go wrong? As she peeled away the wrapping from the puke-inducing hot pink she looked as if she might throw up herself, ‘Well, I can tell who this is from’ she said turning it over as if there might be something better lurking inside, I knew then that I should’ve stuck with the bubble bath. 

I’ve learnt my lesson now though picking presents that are horrifically safe, a gift receipt safely enclosed. Christmas shopping induces hoards of people to wander aimlessly in all directions, often stopping abruptly as if losing the track of thought as well as the Christmas spirit. Each shopper sports the same distant look, arms heavy with handfuls of junk that will be both half price in the sale and listed as an ‘unwanted Christmas present’ on eBay. Nice normal middle class couples resemble bratty toddlers as they fight about whether double cream or brandy butter will compliment Heston Blumenthal’s candied orange Christmas pudding better. 

It is as if a World War is approaching when panic stricken families stuff their shopping trolleys, anxiously clearing all the shelves, attempting to please everyone with a crazed look in their eye, their lips quivering as they tick off the shopping list: nut roast for vegetarian niece, J20’s for alcoholic uncle, ten year malt for Father-in-law, how much will that cost? Should I get carpet cleaner... is that just tempting fate?  We need more of those tiny sausages wrapped in bacon, do I use streaky? What if the turkey is taking too long? We need nibbles... peanuts? Too like the pub. Olives? Too Italian... Kettle chips? Yes! Everyone loves a Kettle Chip...